Wow sitting here & actually typing a real blog for once. Gosh thinking about how life was in the past, all the drama, & heartbreak that I have been through. And then now my situation & my environment. Dang I really believe a certain someone that once told me that I must of have really done something really horrible in my past life that is why life is so horrible now. How could one endure all this? I can only say it was all by my choice & me always being the "nice girl". I remember back then when I used to say for my New Year's resoluation that I would be mean for the New Year!! Hahaha! Ya, I am a bitch at times & a butt munch, but when it counts the most I don't put myself first. Just thinking about a few years ago when I was with first b/f. Wow I would have never pictured me ever moving on back then. But I did & that is really history. I put that nigga behind me. Can I do that again? I would love more than anything for this relationship to work. It could work if I let it. Sometimes though ones past is to bad to let go though. If not now, later..... I don't think that we will make it. What my husband did to me... I could never let go. Ya I know that saying if it's true love let it go! But people you guys have no idea what he done to me! Let's just say if he walked up to me in the mall or something and slapped me in the face that would of hurt my pride less. How could someone that loved you so much put you through so much & make off to be a fool! I was by his side through everything that I stated in our vows. Why freaking marry me if you were just bullshitting? Day by day I think about how everyday I have to live with the mistakes he has made & what he done to me! I shouldn't have to live with that! He should! I shouldn't be the one depressed for what he has done! I really think that my emotional health & mental sanity would be at best if I was to leave. I am tired of these tears. I just want to let go. So much keeps me here though. If I was to make the choice by not putting anyone first, but myself I would have done left by now. Yes, the kids do come first now though. But I am not only putting them first I am putting my husband & his family first too. Through all the bull I still seem to puts all of them first. Why? I guess I just have to wait for that oneday when I finally decide what is best for my kids. And take it from there. I have made things to complicated. I wish it could be eaiser. Like then....Four years ago all I did was work & play! Right when the weekend would come I would head down to New Orleans to go out! This was my second home. And now that I am actually living in this area, it's not what I wanted. I wish I was anywhere , but here! I have takin so many wrong turns in life. But hey I have two wonderful kids to show for it! And I love them like there's no tomorrow! Mistakes? Regrets? I don't consider anything as a mistake because I would not have my kids if it wasn't for these choices. Regrets? I used to think why regret what you cannot change. There is only one regret now. Not staying true to my real friends.All the people that was there for me through all the tears & heartache. I pushed aside. I recently wrote a letter two the two my two friends that meant to most to me. I would still be stuck in my first relationship if these to ladies didnt give me that courage to be stronger. I won't mention names because you guys may get mad if I do so. I will use our code names from back in the day! As for "Angel" You were my friend my best friend for so long. You gave me that edge that I needed! You introduced me to a whole new world out there. You that part of me that kept me going when I felt that I couldn't survive. I know that nothing will ever bring us back together as friends. If anyones knows you thats me & you hold grudges! haha I guess I get that from you. You were my teacher & I was your grasshopper. I thank you for all that you've showed me. I wrote a letter to you recently I have a idea that you just looked at it and threw it away or matter of fact said you didnt even want it! Wish things could be different.......And as for "Charlie" I wrote you a letter as well, but you didn't recieve it. I will write what I had to say here since I know you still come by my xanga time to time. You and I weren't close from the beggining like "Angel" & I, but then as time went by we got closer. Together you & your sister made me a whole. You guys was a part of me that made me who I am today. I am truly sorry for what I did. My only regrets in life is losing you & your sisters friendship. I would do anything to get back what we had. I would put my pride beside and get on my knees to beg for forgiveness. That's how sorry I am. I know that nothing could take back what I did. I pushed you away. I know that life was crazy. I was hiding out and all, but I could of called. I should of called more than I did. I was just scared. You & your sister always told me straight up what you guys felt. I was scared of that. I know that no matter what asshole I dated though and what wrong path I took. You guys would scold me, but then you were still there for me. I got back with him through everything & ended up having Ethan. I wish I would have just picked up the phone & just called. No matter what I would hear on the other end. So much time has gone by & I still miss you! I wish that I could prove to you someway or somehow that I was truly sorry & have what we...all of us had again! I know it wouldn't be the same but a basic friendship is all I would ask for right now. You have gone through so much & so have I. I wish that I could have been there for you all this time that we weren't together. Other than my kids and family I loved you guys most! Although it may not seem like it even more than guys as well! I wish there was someway in your heart that you could forgive me. I still care for you and "Angel" so much! I miss the mumchkin too! I bet she's big now! So much I have missed out on because of my choices. I hope that you read this. I hope that you still care. ~*Hugs*~ "Bunnie". (You know Cuong calls me Snuggle Bunnie. I just found out last month he called me that because you guys called me bunnie.) Anyways...wow what a entry huh? Is anyone going to actually read all of this? Thanks if ya do! I thank all of you wonderful people that do take the time to read all my entries and give me your encouraging words & support. Means a lot to me! Well I got to go do my mommy duties now. Hope all is well....xoxo NOTE: If some of you are wondering why I keep these poems or this entry the same it's because I still feel the same way that I did when I wrote them. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo I know that it's the past, but it still hurts me within. The lying, the cheating, all of your sins. I care for you deeply. I gave you my heart and soul. I threw away so much just so that I could be with you. I pushed my true friends away just to put a smile on your face. I would of walked around the world to prove my love to you. Yet while I was true to you. You took my love for granted and stabbed me in the back. Right in plan site all of the signs where there. Deep inside I always knew the truth, but to finally hear it come from you... That moment my whole world just crumbled away. A part of me lost within never to be found again. Sitting here I feel so empty, but yet I am filled with so much pain. So much time has passed since you were unfaithful to me. Can someone like you really change? On the outside you seem brand new, but deep within is it the old you? I wish that life was easier, but now it is more than just you and I. I have someone else to think about now I have to think about our son. Do I do what's right for him and stay with you? Or do I care about myself and leave you? So much to think of not only of me this time. All of this pain inside is slowly killing me. I try so hard to hold on to what you and I have, but my heart won't seem to let go of the past. Do I move forward with you and try to better our future? I wish the answer were so simple. I wish that I could just get over you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo After all of the things you have done put me through, I still stand right beside you. Through all of the pain & suffering somehow I still seem to love you. So much hurt fills me within. How could my heart endure so much pain? Emotionally, physically how am I still sane? I guess that I am stronger than what I seem. Strong enough to hold it in. Walking with my head held high trying so hard not to cry. It’s so hard sometimes to keep all these emotions held in. Sometimes I wish that I could just let these real feelings show. The tears, the hurt, & all of the pain. All of these things will eventually drive me insane. I know that so much is out there for me other than you. But for some reason I try to make what we have do. Why do I stay here? Why do I still care? Why don’t I just walk away & finally part ways with you? Through all of the things that I have done for you. I still wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the best for you. How could you hurt me if you really cared? If you really loved me you never would of broke my heart into two. Over & over we pick up the pieces, but my heart never seems to heal. At this point I don’t believe that it could be mended back together again. Should I follow my heart & stay with the person whose “suppose to have changed”? Or should I finally find the strength this time to try & get over you? BOTH ARE WRITTEN FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY HEART | 
About Me
